


Parle-moi, mon beau maître.

by bukkunkun



Series: The Player's Adventures in Offland [3]
Category: OFF (Game), OFF (Video Game)
Genre: Fourth Wall, Other, Video Game Mechanics, more self-indulgent fics help, zach/player/batter ot3 5ever, zacharie what are you doing stahp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-01
Updated: 2013-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-10 02:38:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/780813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bukkunkun/pseuds/bukkunkun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moment the screen stayed pitch black after half a minute, the Player realised there was something wrong with the game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Parle-moi, mon beau maître.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt on jerkin_off @ dreamwidth.
> 
> It's not set in the same timeline as the first two fics in the series, but it still involves the Player durping around with the OFF peeps. So there.

The moment the screen stayed pitch black after half a minute, the Player realised there was something wrong with the game. Frowning, they switched tabs, browsing through the game files and checking if they had touched something they shouldn’t have, or if one of the files was corrupted.

“Nothing’s wrong. Hm.”

They turned back to the in-game screen to check up on what happened, but there was still nothing there: just black. Sighing, they pressed down on CTRL+ALT+DE—

Zacharie’s chuckle made them pause, and sigh out in relief, shaking their head for overreacting to a particular slow day for their laptop. Quickly they switched screens to the in-game one—to find that the same black screen was still on, but this time Zacharie’s sprite stood in the middle of the blackness, his speech box open on top of what looked like a text box with a ‘submit’ button on the side. There was a sentence in Zacharie’s text box.

“ _Parle-moi, mon beau maître._ ”

“Oh, my God, I didn’t accidentally delete the translation patch, did I?” the Player mumbled beneath their breath, hitting enter in hopes the next text was in English.

Zacharie chuckled again.

“I said, _parle-moi, mon beau maître_.”

… Well. _This_ was interesting.

[This is interesting. What’s going on?] The Player typed in the message box and hit enter to submit it.

“Well, the Batter’s a little… occupied right now.” The sprite seemed to look to the left, and the Player raised an eyebrow at Zacharie’s suspicious behaviour.

[Occupied? What’s he doing?]

“Let’s just say he’s busy, and leave it at that.” The sprite sat down, cross-legged, and gestured at them. “How about you? How was your day?”

[Absolute shit. Which is why I want to play now, please?]

“Oh, you poor thing. Well, don’t you worry, I’m here to cheer you up.”

[Zacharie, I just want to beat up stuff with the Batter, thanks.]

“Oh, you gamers and your passion for violence.” Zacharie shook his head, and the Player could almost hear him clicking his tongue. “Well, I suppose I admire your passion, but why not use it elsewhere, hm?”

[I don’t understand what you’re talking about.]

A message popped up on the text box: “Found Sweetheart.” The Player blinked at this, and pressed ESC to take a look at the item. Their eyes widened upon seeing the description: “ _a red rose candy shaped from molten sugar mixed with red colouring to give it a stained-glass look_ ”.

[Okay, what is this all about, Zacharie? How much is it?]

“Priceless.” Zacharie chuckled, “Just like you are.”

The Player froze. What did they just read?

[Excuse me, are you _flirting_ with me?]

“Maybe.” Zacharie paced around the room, “It’s difficult not to, you know.”

A blush crept on the Player’s face, and suddenly Zacharie chuckled again.

“You’re blushing.”

[Excuse me, you’re in a game and I’m in front of my laptop, playing.]

“Yes, and I had an Elsen turn your webcam on so I could see you.” The Player’s eyes widened and their eyes looked up at the webcam above their laptop’s screen. “Oh, you’re looking this way. Hi!”

Zacharie jumped up and down, waving an arm excitedly. “I’ve always wanted to see you like this; I wonder how jealous I must be getting the Batter, knowing I was the first to see your face.”

[You hacked my laptop to see my face, that’s cheating.]

“Yes, well, when a man’s desperate, he does the irrational.” Zacharie replied, “You’ve always captivated me so much, you know, you’re _la plus parfaite_ being I’ve ever had the fortune of coming across.”

[Yeah, well, considering you only interact with two cats, three angry bosses, a race of asthmatics, a crazy candy girl and a homicidal athlete, that’s not really an excellent feat, you know.]

“Ah, true, but you mustn’t be so sceptical, dear Player.” Zacharie chuckled, “Your excellence drives me so crazy, I’ve always wanted to be under your control, feel how excellently you control things with such ease.”

[It’s called an interactive menu, Zacharie.]

“Oh, I wish I can hear you saying my name. I can tell it would sound glorious.”

[Yeah? And you’re weirding me out.]

“Nonsense. I’m trying to charm you, my dear.” Zacharie paced around the room. “Because to be frank with you, there are a _lot_ of things I’d like to be doing with you right now.” He stopped pacing, and approached the bottom half of the screen. “You have no idea how jealous I am of the Batter for spending so much time with you.”

[You don’t even know me, Zacharie.]

“Oh, but I’d like to.” The merchant replied, “ _Joueur, tu me fais chaud et tracassé_.”

[Zacharie, don’t say stuff in French, I can’t understand a thing.]

“You’re such a cutie,” Zacharie shook his head, and another message popped up: “Found Zacharie’s present.”

Warily, the Player pressed ESC to check it out—and choked on air upon seeing what the description was: “a packet of condoms”.

[WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO GET AT, ZACHARIE?]

“You’re so flustered, it’s really cute.”

[Zacharie!]

“I mean what I mean, _Joueur_ ,” the Player could almost hear the merchant purring it out, “My bat wants in your bases, darling.”

The Player shook their head, too flustered to even type properly. Why was Zacharie acting like this? How on Earth was this game even _doing_ this, like it had a life of its own?

“I’m going to need an answer, baby.”

[Oh my God, you’re the worst.]

“I try.” Zacharie chuckled.

[Well, how on Earth are you exactly going to do me from there on the other side of my screen?]

Zacharie merely chuckled.

[Because sure as hell I am _not_ going to masturbate for you in front of my webcam.]

“Oh, what fun would _that_ be?” Zacharie asked, and the sprite reached up to lift his mask slightly to reveal his pixellated mouth. The Player leant forward, closer to the screen, curious at what Zacharie looked like, when suddenly they realised that the sprite was getting bigger, and bigger…

And suddenly they gasped in shock as first a mask, then a head and then arms slipped out of the Player’s laptop screen, Zacharie’s chuckling suddenly loud and clear in their ear as a very _real_ and _wet_ tongue licked the shell of their ear.

“D’you know what I have in mind?” Zacharie chuckled into their ear as he climbed completely out of the screen and into the Player’s lap, a most obvious bulge pressing incessantly into their crotch, sending heat and sizzles shooting through their body, wrenching an involuntary shudder from the Player, a whimper escaping parted lips. The merchant chuckled darkly, and he pulled back slightly, his fingers threading into the Player’s hair, holding their head in place, allowing them a good look at Zacharie’s mouth—thin lips curled up into a coy smile, the scar of a Glasgow grin at either corner of his mouth, coloured over with what looked like black lipstick. The sight was violent—horrific, almost, but all the Player did was stare, entranced by the scars on Zacharie’s face.

“You look beautiful surprised.” He commented, leaning forward, mask pressing against their nose. “But you look best flustered… and I bet even better when we fuck.”

The Player shivered pleasantly. “How vulgar. You’re going to kiss me with that mouth?”

“Why not?” Zacharie chuckled, and pressed his lips to theirs, as his fingers untangled from the Player’s hair and smoothing down their arms, and down to their crotch, their arousal clear against his fingers. Parting, he chuckled. “Beautiful.”

“I think you’re beautiful too,” the Player replied on reflex, “Scars and all.”

On top of them, Zacharie stiffened visibly, and the Player smiled at him.

“Looks like I can get you flustered too, huh?”

“Shut up,” Zacharie laughed, pulling them back in for a kiss, secretly reaching behind him to press ESC and fish out the condoms from the menu inside the laptop. Parting, he lifted them up, grinning. “… So. Up for it?”

The Player laughed, “Oh, fine. If you insist.”

Zacharie’s grin was one of a man who struck gold. “Oh, how lucky am I today,” he chuckled, leaning in to thoroughly ravish the Player from head to toe, but not without sneaking a glance back at the laptop, grinning cheekily as he imagined the Batter, tied to a chair, yelling at him, unheard, through the screen.

Oh what fun this was going to be later, teasing the Batter all about his amazing hanky-panky with the most wonderful Player. 


End file.
